Saturday Buddhist Jokes

Just attended a talk on the views of three
Chinese religions on death, a most depressing subject. I'm sure one can look at
death as just a timely reminder of how one should make fun whilst one still
can, especially on a Saturday morning. 
What better way to do so than well, actually doing so! So here I go.

 

1.  
Two monks, one old and the other young,

      went into a cave to meditate.

    
The old one was silent for a really long time.

     
Finally, not able to restrain himself any more,

      the young monk
said,  ‘I could have done that’.

 

2. 
How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?

 

   
Answers:  1.  Two: one to change it, and one NOT to change
it.

                    2.  Four: 
One to change it, one to not change it,

                         one to both change it and not change it and

                         one
to neither change it or not change it.

                    3. Two. One to change it,
and one to hit the student

                        with a stick.

 

3.  
How many Madhayamka scholars does it take to screw

      in a light bulb?

     
Four: One to screw it in.

               One to not screw it in.

               One to both screw it in and not
screw it in.

               One to neither screw it in nor
not screw it in.

 

 

4  
Once, a car driver took Master 星雲 to preach the
power

     of Buddha.

    
On the way, out of a momentary urge, he asked his driver,

      “May I drive
this car?”

   
The driver responded, “No, you can’t.

     Please don't play jokes with me.”

   
But Master 星雲 master said, “Please! I haven't driven a car

    for a very long time. If I
don't, I might really lose my skill."

   
Reluctantly, the driver swapped seats with him.

   星雲 was happy. He drove smoothly. He felt excited.

   He speeded up.

  
Suddenly, he heard a policeman blowing his whistle

   to stop the car.

  
When the policeman saw Master 星雲,  he was taken aback.

   He
called up his superior and said, “Sir, I met a really

   important guy who just broke
the traffic regulations. 

   What shall I
do? ”

  
His senior asked, “How important is he?

   More important than 連戰?”

  
The policeman answered, “Of course,”

    "Is he more important than President 馬英九?"asked his senior.

  
The policeman answered, “Of course, I don’t know how big he is?

    But his
driver is Master星雲!"

 

5.  A
Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says:

     "Make me one with everything."

    
After getting the hotdog, he gives the vendor a $20 bill and

     waits  and waits and  waits.

    
Finally, not able to remain patient any more he says:

     "Where's my
change?"

     The vendor replies: "All change must come from within."

 

6. 
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

    
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

7.  9
great Religions or Sects in a nutshell

 

         
Taoism: Shit Happens

         
Confucianism: Confucius says that shit happens.

         
Buddhism: If shit happens, it really is not shit.

         
Zen Buddhism: What is the sound of one piece of

                                  shit hitting itself.

         
Hinduism: This shit happened before.

         
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

          Protestantism: Shit only happens to others, never to us.

        
Catholicism: If shit happens, we deserve it.

        
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us.

 

    
Have a nice weekend.