The Balkans is a very complicated territory with all kinds of Slavs living there, some Orthodox Christians, some Roman Catholic, some Lutherans, some Muslims but they all use the same alphabets, Cyrillic and they never stop fighting each others. When they are not, they joke about the people from one of the six former Yugoslavian states. Here are some.
1.
A BBC crew was in Montenegro filming a documentary on the people of the region when the came across a guy sitting motionless under an olive tree. They watched and watched him but he never seemed to move at all.
As the days passed and he still didn't move they decided to ask him if they could produce a special documentary on him as it was completely amazing that one man could be so lazy as not wanting to move at all. The man agreed and the crew quickly set about producing the piece on him.
They released it to the British public the next spring to rave reviews from the critics. It whetted the hunger for this one lone lazy but somehow remarkable man in Montenegro.
The producers sensed the huge potential for a sequel. Off they went back to Montenegro to find this guy and there he was, still under the same tree.
They started to film him again and the director became restless and nervous. Something just wasn't right but he couldn't figure out what.
Finally he approached the man and said, "Excuse me, sir, but do you think maybe, perhaps possibly, you could maybe move your legs a little to the side?"
The man looked quickly up the director and shouted, "Dammit! I am an ACTOR not a STUNTSMAN!"
2.
What's black and blue and hairy and floats in the sea?
A Dalmatinka who couldn't cook.
What do you call a Dalmatinka with a black eye?
Newly wed.
What do you call a Dalmatinka with 2 black eyes?
Hard of hearing.
3.
Mujo and Sujo were walking along the path in their village when they saw a tourist group pass by. One of the men in the group had a pair of alligator skin boots on. Mujo was in love instantly.
"Where did you get those boots from?" he asked the tourist. "I got these alligator boots in Florida," he replied.
Well, there was no doubt Mujo HAD to get a pair of those boots, so off he went to Florida.
Weeks went by and Sujo heard no news from Mujo. Maybe he was in trouble. Being the good friend he was, Sujo went to Florida to find him.
Sujo looked all over the state and finally found him on the bank of an opening to the water in the Everglades. Mujo was surrounded with dead and rotting alligators, but he didn't seem to notice it a bit. His eyes were fixed like a predator on the water and he held in his hands a big club, ready to strike.
"Mujo! Finally found you! Are you alright?"
"Not now Sujo," Mujo answered, "I'm busy."
Sujo stood still not knowing what to do.
Just then down went Mujo's club and he pulled a freshly killed alligator from the water. "Dammit!" Mujo shouted. "This one's not wearing boots either!"
4.
A new travel company starts up and offers sighseeing flight around the former Yugoslavia.
The first 3 customers are a Croat, a Bosnian and a Serb.
They all eye each other with suspicion and are told to board the plane.
They start bickering about who has which seat and who stole whose newspaper, but eventually the plane takes off.
They fly from Macedonia over Serbia and the Bosnian says, "Allah I need to go to the toilet, these Cevape were made from pork and I was a bad Muslim and ate them!"
So off the plane flies and makes it way over Croatia.
The Serbian guy says, "Oh bu Slobodan, I had too much of my grannies home made rakija, I need to go to the toilet.........."
So off the plane flies over Bosnia.
The Croatian guys says, "Oh Mary mother of God, I had too much of my grannies burek. I need to go to the toilet asap!
So on the plane flies.......
And then just before they land back in Macedonia the pilot gets a news flash from the air traffic controller: "War has again broken out in the former Yugoslavia. Belgrade had been bombarded and there were flash floods caused by showers over Zagreb and Sarajevo has been hit by wild gusts of wind that have affected the entire region!"
5.
A German goes on holiday to Dalmatia and every morning sees the same man lolling down to the beach, tie a line to his toe, go asleep and then some hours later catch a fish, hang it to dry and then go back asleep.
After a week, he couldn't resist talking to the man to ask why he's doing what he did.
"So I can lie here, go home in the evening and my wife can cook the fish and I can eat it."
The German is upset by this lack of ambition and says:
"But you can stay awake, move along the beach, catch more fish. Then sell them, buy a rod, catch more and then buy a boat, row out and catch more and then buy a second boat and hire someone to work with you, and build up to owning a fleet of trawlers. Then you can have all the money to lie here all day with a line tied to your toe and have the missus cook up in the evening."
Ante thinks about it, nods and says.
"Why all the effort when I end up the same way?"
6.
NASA sent three astronauts in the space for three years: an American, a Russian and a Bosnian astronaut.
They asked each if there's any absolute "must-have" for the trip.
The American demanded a whole tank of whiskey.
The Russian of course demanded the same amount of vodka.
The Bosnian thought for a moment and said -"I want a whole truckload of Marlboro!*
Three years later the space ship comes back to Earth.
The American astronaut comes out first: "I'd be totally freaked out if there weren't all that whiskey I demanded!"
The Russian is next: "I'd really go nuts if there were'nt all that vodka!"
The Bosnian comes out last, his hands are shaking, his eyes quite bloody and he is obviously nervous: "Does anyone have any matches?"
7.
Four people are sitting in a train compartment: the first one is a really hot blonde, the second a nun, the third a Croatian and the fourth a guy from Slovenia.
The train drives into the tunnel and compartment becomes totally dark.
All of a sudden huge slap is heard.
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The Slovenian guy holds his face and has a confused expression on his face whilst all the others are engaged in thought.
The Nun thinks: "This infantry certainly touched the blonde, so he got what's right!"
The blonde thinks: "I'm pretty sure that this guy wanted to touch me, but he failed and unfortunatelly touched the nun, so she slapped him."
Slovenian guy: "I'm 100% sure that this red neck Croatian was touching one of those two and I got slapped!".
And the Croatian is praying: " Dear God, please give us another tunnel, so I can give another big slap to this arrogant Slovenian".
8.
Two Croats, Stipe and Mate have bought a cow at the agricultural fair.
They are leading the animal along the local dirt road and a third Croatian, Joza, crosses their way: "Hey guys, is this cow any good?" asks Joza.
"This is is a very special cow" says Stipe "it gives as much milk as the water it drinks"
"I assume you have tried it?" asked Joza.
"Actually we'll do that at the first creek" says Mate.
So the three of them go together with the cow to the creek.
They dive cow's head in the water. To their surprise, a really huge amount of milk comes out of the cow's udder.
"C''mon, force the cow to dive it's head a bit deeper" says Joza.
As Stipe does that, the cow produces a really huge pile of shit.
"Hey, pull the head out, it seems it ate a bit of river's mud" yells Joza.
9
Mujo, the Bosnian, has been unemployed for a long time but finally he gets a chance and goes to see the person who decides who's going to get the job.
The employer asks him various questions and is apparently quite satisfied with what Mujo may provide to the company.
At the end of the interview, the interviewer asks Mujo if there is anything he wishes to know about his company.
Mujo says: "How much can I earn working a month?"
"Well, at the beginning - you'll get some 200 euros per month, but there's a good chance of you earning some 500 euros per month later" the official replies.
Mujo thinks for a second and says:"Ok then, if that's the case, I'll come back later when the 500 is available ..."
10. The 10 Commandments of a Serbian:
No.1: A man is born tired and lives his entire life in a desperate attempt to rest.
No. 2: One shall love his bed as himself
No.3: Rest during the day, so you can sleep at night
No.4: Do not work under any circumstances - work kills!!!
No.5: If you see someone resting, help him immediately!
No.6: If you must work - work as little as possible. If there's any chance, always give your work to another person.
No.7: Salvation comes in the shade: nobody has ever died of resting
No.8: Work brings all sorts of diseases. Make sure you do not die young
No. 9: If out of the blue you suddenly feel an urge to work - sit down, it will pass in a moment
No. 10: If you see people eat and drink - move closer. And if you see them working, make some space, so you don't interrupt.
沒有留言:
張貼留言