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2014年5月31日 星期六

Saturday Fun (週末趣味)

男與女,每事端無窮,不幸的,痛苦無盡,但若曉得放開一點兒,從另一角度看看,則大有可能,成為無限歡樂的來源。朋友剛送來八則笑話 ,一週七天,每天一則,當可笑足七天,若某天一則不夠,多看一則,不亦樂乎。

男與女 I
 
男:交往這麼久了,咱們...同居吧!!
女 :我爸媽不會原諒我的。
男:如果我們結婚呢!?
女:我不會原諒我自己的。

男與女 II

甲女:我上次暗示男朋友說,女人喜歡能長久保存東西。結果第二天我就得到一枚鑽戒,妳也可以對男朋友如法炮製呀!!
乙女:這方法我早用過了,結果第二天我收到一包防腐劑。

男與女 III

女: 男人結婚需要什麼!?
男: 勇氣。
男: 女人結婚需要什麼!?
女: 運氣。

男與女 IV

男:妳買這麼多東西,到底是需要還是貪婪!?
女:當然是需要。
男:那妳到底需要什麼!?
女:我需要貪婪。

男與女 V

甲: 我把未婚妻甩了,現在她打算告我。
乙:!@#$%^&*
甲:逃婚應該是民事還是刑事!?
乙:是喜事。

男與女 VI

女:成功的男人背後一定有個女人
男: 失敗的男人背後呢 !?
女: 一定是有太多的女人。

男與女 VII

甲: 我要結婚了。
乙: 好傢夥,有本事的男人才能結婚 。
乙:新娘是誰!?
甲: 一個沒本事的女人。

男與女 VIII

女: 我有一個壞習慣希望你能容忍,同一件衣服我從不穿出去兩次。
男 :我也有一個壞習慣希望妳能容忍,同一個女人我從不帶出去兩次。


2014年5月25日 星期日

Sunday Fun

Just got back from a hike in one of the outlying islands. Boy, wasn't it hot!
Talking about early summer heat,you know how to tell when it's really hot? If not, there are no shortage of hints:


1.  the cows are giving evaporated milk
2.  the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs
3.  hot water now comes out of both taps.
4. you actually burn your hand opening the car door. 
5. somehow asphalt on the road has a liquid state. 
6. the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
7. the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. 
8. farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
9. you start buying stock in Gatorade. 
10. he trees are whistling for the dogs. 
11. you start putting ice cubes in your water bed. 
12. you no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. 
13. you can say 100 degrees without fainting. 
14. Satan decided to take the day off. 
15. you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off. 
16. your dream house is any house in Alaska. 
17. you can make instant sun tea. 
18.  you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron
19. the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly. 
20 you've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
21. The noise from the home airconditioner somehow becomes more tolerable

What a great relief to be home! A great Sunday to you all.



2014年5月22日 星期四

Heaven in Tsimshatsui


Last night was special. So special that I could not resist writing again today. I heard one of my favourite composers, the innovative Alexander Scriabin's 24 Preludes, written within 8 years from 1888 (when he was just 16). They were done alternatively in major and minor keys from C major, to A minor, then G major, then E minor, D major, B minor ...ending in D Minor, following the ascending circle of fifths, modeled exactly on the two dozen preludes done by another poet of the piano, Frederic Chopin.  According to the programme notes, many of them reflect the influence of Scriabin's travels to Europe as a pianist from 1895 on. In order the piano preludes are:
    No. 1 in C major - Vivace
    No. 2 in A minor - Allegretto
    No. 3 in G major - Vivo
    No. 4 in E minor - Lento
    No. 5 in D major - Andante cantabile
    No. 6 in B minor - Allegro
    No. 7 in A major - Allegro assai
    No. 8 in F-sharp minor - Allegro agitato
    No. 9 in E major - Andantino
    No. 10 in C-sharp minor - Andante
    No. 11 in B major - Allegro assai
    No. 12 in G-sharp minor - Andante
    No. 13 in G-flat major - Lento
    No. 14 in E-flat minor - Presto
    No. 15 in D-flat major - Lento
    No. 16 in B-flat minor - Misterioso
    No. 17 in A-flat major - Allegretto
    No. 18 in F minor - Allegro agitato
    No. 19 in E-flat major - Affettuoso
    No. 20 in C minor - Appassionato
    No. 21 in B-flat major - Andante
    No. 22 in G minor - Lento
    No. 23 in F major - Vivo
    No. 24 in D minor - Presto

Scriabin (1872-1915) is a curious character, coming from an aristocratic Russian family, his uncles all having military careers, his father a diplomat in Turkey, his mother a concert pianist who died when he was still a child and his aunts all pianists.He learned piano from a young age and even in his teenage, he actually made many pianos himself as a hobby. Later, he became a military cadet in Moscow, then went on to study the piano and composition at the Moscow Conservatory but his ideas on composition were so very different from those his teacher Arensky that the latter refused to put his name on his graduation diploma. After he graduated, he alternated between being a touring concert pianist in Moscow and abroad, composing and writing philosophy and poetry. Scriabin became interested in synesthesia, associating different colors with musical tones and got interested in Madame Blavatsky's theosophy and would implement some of his ideas on the mysteries of the universe in some of his compositions. But his 24 Preludes belong to his early composition, which was published in Germany in 1897 along with his 12 Etudes. The influence of Chopin was more than obvious: light, lyrical, flowing and powerful by turns.

Scriabin's 24 Preludes formed the second part of the concert last night, played for us by another of my favorite pianists, Mikhail Pletnev, who apparently did not feel well (there was a notice outside the concert hall to the effect that the air-conditioning was deliberately turned down at the request of the pianist) as he entered and left the stage at an unusually slow pace as if he had to struggle with every pace. Perhaps that's why he did not appear to be in form for the first part of the concert, when he played for us two of Schubert's Piano Sonata No. 4 in A Minor D 537 and Sonata No. 13 in A D 664. But after the intermission, there was a dramatic change when he played first Bach's English Suite No. 3 in G Minor and then the heavenly Preludes by Scriabin. I love the way Pletnev played the preludes, gentle, flowing, thoughtful and never with excessive bravado. It was sheer joy to see his fingers flying and caressing the notes on the keyboard and producing a sound which really ought to heard only in heaven. Though obviously tired, he gave us an encore, one of Chopin's Nocturnes played with his unique blend of sensitive interpretation and his own kind of poesie. 



2014年5月18日 星期日

Sunday Fun

 Quite busy this week and really don't have time for more jokes than one. So here it is:



A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke" and turns to

the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.



A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
 

"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact

change for payment.



The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a

hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says,  "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.



This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,"

says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.



A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,

"That will be $12.62."

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me,sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your

pocket every time?"



"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp.
 

When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I

ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount

of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or

something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always

there," says the man.


The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs

who agrees with everything I say."



Be careful what you wish for if you should ever meet a genie!!! Whether you'll ever meet

one, have a nice weekend.  

2014年5月11日 星期日

Sunday Fun


I went to my favourite library to return two books due today and tried to borrow an equal number but was told I could only borrow one. Surprised, I asked why. I was told that's what the system said!  I told the librarian that I just returned two books not 20 minutes ago. He then checked through the electronic records and placed nearly 40 books on the return trolley behind his desk one by one through the bar-code reading digital borrow/return record screening device once again to ensure that he did not miss out checking in any of the books returned so far that afternoon. At the end of some 6 or 7 minutes, he told me there was nothing wrong with his records. I was puzzled and asked him how it was possible that I returned two books which according to his records were both returned but that I had still exceeded my borrowing limit. He then asked me to point out to him the two books that I returned earlier. I checked through his pile and pointed them out to him. Then he said he would allow me to continue to borrow 2 but asked me to go home and check if there are any item on my list of borrowed books I had already in fact returned but whose record somehow is still on the library's "borrowed" list and if so, to telephone them to rectify their records. Upon returning home I immediately did so and found that all the books recorded as having been borrowed by me are in fact so! That meant that for some reasons unknown to me, I had been allowed to borrow one more book on the "previous" occasion and also this occasion!  Despite the latest digital technology, human errors are still possible. 

To book lovers, the library is a cross between heaven and hell. When you are checking through its catalogue, it's literal "hell" to learn how many books had been written on the subject you're interested in but it's "heaven" to actually lay your hands on a book which explains very complex ideas on a deep and abstruse subject in very simple readable language. But whatever the truth may be, it's time for some librarian fun. 

Here are some items exemplifying the "Murphy Law" discovered by certain librarians: 

1. Budget statements from Finance Department are always inversely proportional to your budgetary requirements.

2. If you made the library system foolproof you'll  discover that everybody has suddenly become geniuses.

3. When 60% of your book order is back-ordered, you can safely bet that 90% of the back-orders are out of print.

4. A "missing" encyclopedia will remain missing until the replacement you ordered is placed on the shelf.

5. Books will remain upright on the shelf until you go to place another book beside them.

6. You can be sure the student who has the most overdue books reads the least.

7. When a teacher recommends a library book to a student, you can be certain that the teacher has checked out the only copy and has lent it to a friend in Peru.

8. Students always require a 400 word article for a 500 word essay.

9. Change libraries frequently. It allows you to place the blame on your predecessor for anything that is wrong.

10. Make 17 subject headings for a book and you will find that you should have made 18.

11. The one time of the month that you take 5 minutes to read MAD magazine is when your superintendent walks in.

12. Prepare your year-end report in September before you have screwed everything up.

13. If it's a good book, it's out of stock. If it's an excellent book, it's out of print.

14. No matter how many books you have on a subject the student always thinks they're all "too big".

15. Libraries are always empty when the head of department comes to visit.

16. The volunteer aide who files the worst is the one who volunteers the most.

17. If you have a system that works you must be doing everything wrong.

18. When you spend half your library budget on a teacher's request for a course the odds are that the teacher will quit or be transferred and the course will be dropped or changed.

19. No matter how long you keep an article or piece of information you will never need it till you throw it away.

20. If you have lost one issue of a magazine there will be 35 students who will require that issue.

21. No books are lost except those that are most needed and hardest to replace.

22. The books you need the most always come from your worst supplier or jobber.

23. Every librarian should have a full-time aide. It allows you to put the blame on someone.


24. If everything's fine you're probably in the wrong library.

25.  When you re-cataloguing  a book to correct an error, you automatically create seven new problems.


26. The thinnest books often have the longest catalogue numbers.


Have a nice weekend or what's left of it!

2014年5月5日 星期一

Weekday Fun (閒日趣味一則)

不知不覺,寫這「部落格」多年,但很慚愧,出現中文的次數,少之又少。原因簡單不過:中文根柢薄弱,獻醜不如藏拙,不想製造視覺污染,實在沒有好的理由必須使大家眼睛難受。話雖如此,今天友人傳來幾款中文對聯,頗為「抵死」,又不忍不轉傳,希望能為大家可能是較「單調」的「閒日」增添一丁點兒歡樂。況且,「轉述」畢竟比「創作」易得多了,把「滑鼠」按幾按,不便已「完成」嗎?有多難?何況,獨樂樂不如眾樂樂,何樂而不為?廢話一大堆說夠了,是讓笑話的「真身」自我呈現的時候了....

話說大陸某大學有老師舉行婚禮。各科系所為祝賀新人增添喜慶氣氛,就各自寫了一副對聯送去。

第一個是政研所寫的,
上聯:一上一下並非階級壓迫,共創和諧社會。
下聯:幾進幾出不是野蠻侵入, 造就一代新人。
横批:生命始於律動。

中文系寫的是,
上聯:新人新床新被褥共享新歡,
下聯:好疼好癢好舒服同幹好事。
横批:夾道歡迎。

數學所也寫了,
上聯是:開括號解平方只為求根,
下聯是:插直線穿圓心直達終點,
横批是:0大於1.

之後是歷史系
上聯是:夜襲珍珠港美人受驚,
下聯是:兩顆原子彈日德投降,
横批:二次大戰。

最後的是中醫所
上聯是:龍骨一根,退燒、止癢、生津,
下聯是:陳皮二片,消腫、化痰、解渴,
横批,一日見效 !三日斷根